last night, i shaved my head. because it's what people liked the most about me. i have a mohawk now. dad won't look at me. he and mom are worried that i'm going to do something stupid like cut off my penis or hold up a bank. they specifically mentioned both of those things, too. it's really getting to them, i wish it didn't affect them so.

i hate christmas.

see, this is what life is all about; the love, the drugs, the friends, the good times and the copper taste of marijuana. walking in the cold with good people, smoking slowly and savoring the french toast. remember, it's not about caring, it's about not letting it affect you. i'm doing pretty good, now. a little wiser for the wear, p'raps. just a little.



friday colby, taylor, and i got stoned. good times. saturday, trip to lexington. i stayed at bekki's. great times, great times. 9 a.m. sunday morning, a walk in the freezing cold with bekki and josie to denny's for breakfast. getting along famously. a military man telling war stories next to us. talked to jade on the phone. will see her next week. then back to cincinnati. monday: bought another drum kit for $50 worth of pedals. more grass, and girls came. patrick, taylor, nancy, steph, and me. a run to chili time. being very stoned, and wanting to lean against someone but not.



last night had a long talk about boys with olivia. she cracks me up. she's a good kid, though. good kid.



song stuck in my head: System of a Down - Sugar



oh yeah. new S/N on AIM: post punk monk

last night i got home at six am. i'd been at brittany's. the snow was still coming down, it was at about two inches - i drove for an hour at 25 down highway fifty. i got home, and made some coffee, and fixed some pancakes. mom and dad woke up, and they ate breakfast with me, and then i went to bed. i slept till about two, and then i don't remember what i did. i think it was laundry. watched "the pianist." quite enjoyable.



tomorrow, or rather, later today, i'm going to st. louis with nikki. not that nikki. the other nikki. yeah. day trip. it's gonna be fun.



sometimes i get the feeling that i'm not *cough* spinning my wheels, it's just that...i don't know. d'you remember how in "the graduate," benjamin braddock is talking to his parents, and he says that that year is his year to drift? this is my period of drifting, just aimlessness. i'm supposing i'm resigned to it, and so am trying to enjoy it. but there's a part of me that doesn't like it, i've never been one for standing still. i'd like to just cut out completely, but it'd hurt mom and dad too much. oh well... heh. i just remembered, ania's got my copy of the Graduate. i went looking for the exact quote in the book, couldn't find the book.



snow makes me want to smoke. and to not be alone. it's not even sexual frustration, that loneliness. couple nights ago i was between laurie's legs and i forgot what to do, my instinct was to hold, not hump. and i've quit girls, anyway. resignation in more than one way.



miss you all.

the more i hear, the less i care



been sick the last few days. not cool, cause we have show today, and one of the other bands cancelled so we'll have to make it up. fuck life, fuck life. the doc. said it was the flu. whatever it is, it's rough. felt like i was gonna die yesterday. i feel somewhat better today, but as of yesterday, i couldn't even walk straight. the walls were distorting, my head felt like it was going to split open, and i had no energy at all. i also had a fever. funny what goes through your head at that point. but today i can at least walk. so i'm playing the show. rock n roll, rock n roll. this has officially been the worst week ever.



summthin' funny. megan the anti-pagan has been trying to talk to me again, and i have not been responsive, so today i get a letter with a printed address and no return address. it was from her of course. i don't wanna even think about her unless she's gotten off the whole jesus kick and aged a couple of years. god eats my women.



it's fuckin' snowing. again. fuck life.



i'm looking for a job. no one that isn't "food services" isn't hiring. fuck that. i guess i'm back to being unemployed for the near future. tomorrow i gotta go in and pick up my paycheck if it's not at least $500 i'm gonna rip shit up. 78 hours at $7.50 an hour.



i think i'm gonna go back to sleeping.